life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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