i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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