god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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