so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
