I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
