You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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