They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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