It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
