got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
