Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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