hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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