I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
