i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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