this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
