im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize