the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
