i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
