literally had 100 drinks last night.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
