Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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