how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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