I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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