Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
