I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
