Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
