last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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