I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
