I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
