a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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