Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
