No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize