you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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