i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize