the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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