I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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