Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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