I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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