New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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