Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
