i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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