Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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