kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
