she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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