I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish i was in the wii world.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
