I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
