I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
