dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
