i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
