You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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