The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
even my farts smell like vagina
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
