It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
