my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
