So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize