I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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