I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
