Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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