so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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