Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize