once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
