Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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