Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
