How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
