i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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