Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize