I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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