so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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